Who am I?

What was my biggest challenge that I had overcome?

 

It is the cancer I had prognosed in sept 2016.

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Firs my mind was: "That must be a mistake" but it turned out it was not. Doctors took out a tissue through my backs toward lungs. The size 10 x 8 cm it was not hard to find it...and the result of the analysis was making them doubt it was the right result because it is so rare tumor, aggressive fibromatosis of the desmoid type that is usually benign but in my case was also growing in my throat and started to press on my trachea and esophagus, so it was malign.

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My daughters at that time were barely 5 and 8 years and few month before that their father and I split so that was another trauma for them (and me).

 

When they were taking the tissue for analysis they told me all the possible outcomes that were really horrible. I still remember saying to the doctor: "I am scared." She was calming and understanding, whilst others shocked me with being confused if I said that. Is it possible people do not say they are afraid when they have operation?

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On the way I also forgot a lot of things but I still remember that when I came to the other doctor some week after that she was talking in the recorder "bla bla bla...and tumor, size of the 10 x 8 cm," then she looked at me and pointed to the X-ray picture and asked me: "You see it?" and talked again in the recorder. I was speachless, shocked. This is how doctors tell to the patients they have tumor????? I went home with a paper where there were three options what tumor I could have. I came home, typed all of them in Google (nothing was explained by the doctor). I remember I caught a thought in my head "Which one would I prefer to have?" Of course the one that is harmless but non of those 3 was like that.

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Then the result came and doctors did not believe it was the right so they repeated it (from the same tissue, luckily) and the result was the same. For me that was a relief as if this tumor is benign (if not being in my throat) at least that is I good sign. I also remember doctors arguing about whether they should first do radiation to achieve smaller size of the tumor and than operation or vice versa. I believed that operation first is better for me. The surgeon shared that opinion with me and he had a good reasons for it so that is how it was. I trusted him totally. He was grounded and when we talked I felt I can trust him. One VERY important piece in this story for me. I came to this diagnose totally coincidentally.

 

As I mentioned before my younger daughter was 5 and in September she went to school for the first time. I wanted to escort her as I did her older sister but at job we had education for 2 days and were not allowed to miss it.

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As I had some challenges after brake up with ex partner and a lot of stress, I went to the doctor and told her my issue. She put me on sick leave to take care of myself and to escort my younger daughter (for not having another trauma for being without a mother in school on her first day).

My doctor was actually not there and she was replacing him. And then she asked me the Q that saved my life: "Is there anything else you need?" At first I was surprised to hear that Q but then I remembered I hear some weird noise in my throat when I swallow and I told her that. She get my blood checked and as it was ok, she put me on X-ray where things started to move really really so fast that I started to become suspicious. And...so it all started...

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So...If my younger daughter would not be that age AND would not go to school that year AND my boss would not allow me to take a vacation AND if I would not have the replacing doctor with this Q ....ALL of this things aligned...where would I be right now? This for me was proof that it was not meant for me to die. If it was, non of this would have happened and align so beautifully, so I trusted that I am safe.

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Not meaning I did not feel fear or confusion or anything else. I am sure that also because of my daughters I did not think I will die. On the other side I was not afraid of it. I was not afraid of surviving or not but how will my life be after the surgery and radiation. Quality of life. What will I be able to do? Will I be able to walk? To talk? To use both of my hands? Will I be able to take care of my kids and myself? And let me tell you this Q's were completely appropriate after operation and again even more after radiation. 

Operation was 7 hours long. After that I was 3 days in intensive care, not able to use my left arm at all. I had my whole left side very swollen, taking my lymph node out, I could not use my left hand. I could not put the butter on the bread or cut things. I could not go to the toilet. That was my fear - to stay like that. After 3 days they wanted me to stand on my feet. I still remember this feeling. My legs were shaking like I would never walk before, I had no power, I was dizzy...They escorted me to the toilet and you are not allowed to lock into the toilet/bathroom. So a big lesson for me was also - having NO privacy. And all patients were equal - nobody knew for each other what was our job, status, rank or whatever that is "important" out here in the (western) world. We were all just a people.

After couple of days when I was on my feet again, slowly start to walk alone, they moved me from intensive care. I had physiotherapist for breathing exercises. When I was waiting for papers to let me home from the hospital I was talking to "my" doctor for the first time. She was explaining to me some things and she was actually the first person telling me the word cancer and explained that tumor si otherwise benign but not in my case and that I have in a few days physiotherapy for my left arm and I have time only until radiation starts, that was in January/February. 
 

I also remember that surgeon told me after operation that I will never be able to use my left hand as I did before. I did not ask. I knew it would create a limitation in my mind and a believe I did not want to have. 
Starting soon with  physiotherapy for my arm I mentioned what the surgeon said.  Physiotherapist asked me: "What did he think by that?" I replied: "I do not know. And do not want to know because I do not believe in this." "Ok, so we work as he did not say it" and we did. I believed anything is possible. %. Now I use my left hand normally.  I enjoyed time doing  physiotherapy, I really did. I knew it is a way back to "normal" life.

 

Going home from 2nd floor out to the road it was sooooooo tiring. Then I came home (my university classmate drove me home and carried my things) and I had to go up the 16 stairs. I do not remember any stairs being so hard and long to walk on. My mother helped me with showering me, with putting my clothes on and off, with cooking and cleaning. It was another lesson - I NEED help. We can not do everything by ourselves. 

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I started slowly walking around the apartment and later out. First it took me eternity to go out, down the stairs and around the house and back. It was a full walk. Then eventually I was getting better and better. I was soon going down the street...and started to dress myself and to wash myself alone. This was big steps for the things I usually take for granted. But are really not. I was learning a lot from my experience. Every day. 

 

Then the radiation begin. I already started to read, listen, educate on emotions, on beliefs, on holistic health but I did not have that knowledge I have today. With this I would have NEVER EVER go to radiation! NEVER. 

At that time already I felt such strong resistance to it but I had no other "plan"/idea what to do. This was one of the worst parts of my life. Nightmare. I had to go there so first they made like plastic mask for my upper body to fix me on the radiation table (so I was always in the same position). 

 

Radiation are done in the basement of the Oncology institute. While waiting there for the first radiation I observed the space. I felt contraction in my chests, the air was dense and heavy, the energy was heavy and I felt there so strange like souls wandering lost on the halls and basement, confused, sad, frustrated, not knowing what happened...I could see the air like a gentle smoke or fog, not as I clear air. Heavy, hard energies that made me tired. 
I also observed patients. There was a boy, 16 years old. That touched me deeply. My thought was "he should be out there enjoying company of his friends and girls, living life, not being here". 

 

My first time was very special. Going inside, being fixed on the table in plastic mask and then waiting to be finished with my strongest resistance possible. I felt it in my every cell. I was thinking "this is strange. I do not hear anything, I do not feel anything...". Eventually people came to me and said: "Sorry, we can not do it today, it looks like it is not working. That is the first time..." 

I was SURE this was created by my resistance. I can not explain it but I was super sure about it. Then a thought came up "what now? You only postponed it..." So as I did not had any other tool I gave up I next time (and all others) machine worked. In a few days I did feel it. My throat was swollen and dry I could not swallow and eat. I get paste to help me with that. I think I had some other medicines and ferrum (iron). Soon my skin started to shrivel up. Like I was a snake but not able to change my skin. It was terrible feeling. I had sunburns. I had problems with digestion. My period changed forever, in a few months/year I lost it totally. I know I had much more than this but at the moment I do not remember. I remember it was really hard time for me. In Slovenia there is a saying that goes: "He is happy as his skin suits him." I have literally taste how it is if skin does not suit you and it is horrible. 

Then I get medicines for relieve symptoms. And every medicine has its own side effects...and soon I had quite a lot of them (too much for me anyway) and I felt like I am in the circle not knowing if bad feeling in my body was from operation, radiation or medicine. The more medicine I got, the worse I felt. I noticed that also after operations. I thought my stomach will burn, it hurt so much. It was pain killers and paprika in the food. As soon as they stopped giving me pain killers I felt much better. 

I really do not remember how I made it to the end of the radiation but I did it. I finished on March 8th in 2017. Whilst having this treatment I had my birth day. No need to say it was the worst one, but I did celebrate being alive for sure. 

 

After operation and radiation also my left breast was swollen and hard, I could not feel anything, like I would have a concrete armor around it. With doing breast massage regularly it started to soften and armor melted and I started to feel sensations again. So I can not express how beneficial (and nurturing) this practice is to me. 

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All the way I had the support of my family, my friends and good medicine staff. And I was learning about life. A lot. All this experience was about learning. And trust. Lot of people were telling me "you are a real fighter," but NO!!! On the opposite...I am sure that FIGHTING is counterproductive. I strongly believe that the TRUST in life and support and the BELIEVE that it is taken care of me by something higher than my family, like Universe, God (however may each of us call it) is the good recipe for a health. And the lessons each of us has to learn on that way. 

Universe showed me it is not my time to die (with all the series of coincidences leading up to diagnosis) and I showed it I understood this message and I understood it was kick in the ass for me to start working on patterns, my beliefs and start learning lessons it has for me. 
I changed the way I think. I changed habits. I changed my diet. I learned a lot, really a lot. I read, listened a lot. I had done a lot of inner work. And I still am learning and doing it. Because this is the path...like a travel, not destination. 

From time to time I get lessons and do not know the meaning of it. Then I ask the Universe to show me what I have to learn. Every time I got the answer. 

 

For me it is all learning and trusting. Love and gratitude for whatever comes my way. I made a promise when I get diagnose. I will never not listen to my body again. And I am keeping it. I honor my body very much and I know it is very wise. 

 

Even though my experience was hard (I am happy it happened to me, not to one of my family members- if it happens to me, I CAN do something about it. If it happens to other person not much I can do about it, I can not do the work and lessons for them and change their mind) I am grateful for it. Without it I would never be here where I am. I would not be connected to my body, my mind, my soul, heart...I would not know what is good for me and what not. I would not know what in life really matters. I would not detach of my identity as a worker/mother/daughter/sister/partner etc. I would not have the capacity, knowledge and wisdom I have today. 

My life is much better now, I feel more alive then ever, so I think I did learn this lesson very well.